When will it all be over?

No matter how many times I fall and hit my head on the rock I just DON'T learn.

Ugh. I don't know how many times the story needs to be repeated for me to finally understand and get the point.

I'm sad and I feel like crying, I'm angry, too, but at the same time a million thoughts are running through my mind at full speed.

Every time I start giving the benefit of the doubt and ASSUME things can possibly get better...because we never know what the future holds, I just get taken back and slapped in the face with reality.

You are a father to be--probably one of the hardest news that I ever had to deal with.

The fact that you got married was hard enough, but I always told myself, "there's always divorce."

But now?...Now you are gonna be a father! A commitment that lasts a lifetime.

And not saying that we we're gonna ever get back together, but we never knew what the future held. But now? Now there is no chance at all.

I refuse to let you keep hurting me. What I don't understand is why you keep coming around? Why you keep looking for me?

Is it guilt?

Are you trying to smooth your way into telling me yourself?

I don't know what you want from me. I found out on my own and you have no idea I know yet.

But I'm waiting for your call because I'm officially done with this whole situation, that you have once again dragged me into after I was doing great moving on and forgetting all about you.

I was very much happy but then I found myself coming back to this...it's hurting and killing me because now the both of you will be attached forever.

I guess it's time for me to let it go and move on.

No matter how much I decided not to accept it.

Maybe I've been getting signs that I refuse to accept, but for some reason the signs keep getting worse. This is more like a slap in the face.

This is going to take me some time...maybe a lot of time.
(sigh) I don't know what to think anymore.

I keep holding my tears back as I sit here and reminisce. Trying to figure out why we never worked.

We lived together and I was practically your wife. You never decided to propose to me, let alone marry me. We spoke about having children a million times and tried and tried.

I guess it wasn't meant to be or meant for me. No matter how much we tried, I couldn't get pregnant.

Those that know me, know how I feel about having kids. It's a big deal to me. I want lots of kids. Now the fact that you are having them with her...well how should I feel?..

Mrz Endy